The Cullen Eggplant
by BiggestDickEver
Summary: Lube it up, buttercup.


**Author** MeteorOnAMoonlessNight

 **Title** The Cullen Eggplant

 **Summary** Lube it up, buttercup.

 **Pairing** Edward/Bella

 **Rating** M~ Romance/Humor

 **Disclaimer:** The author does not own any publicly recognizable entities herein. No copyright infringement is intended.

* * *

 _ **CE**_

The Cullen Eggplant is legendary at UDub. Every Cullen man, _every single one of them_ , is well hung. They all paved their way through college in some form or another by utilizing the many euphemisms for a big dick. Eggplant was coined by one Edward Cullen, when he started posting pictures of his bulge on social media with the hashtag #ECullenEggplant. Under gray sweatpants, under his athletic shorts, and with nothing but a towel hanging off of it like it was a towel hook. Or a meat hook, as the case may be.

I used to drool over those posts of him and his magnificent appendage when I was a freshman. Then in my sophomore year I decided he was as big a dick as the one residing in his pants. In my junior year, I discovered I was wrong about that. Oh, he could be a dick if he wanted, and I'd witnessed that personality in action more than once. What I hadn't seen in action yet, and desperately wanted to, was his third leg.

"What if I'm like that meme with the hamster and the banana, Alice? It could be a total disaster," I lamented to my best friend over coffee.

"I don't know, B. I've never had a cock that big in my mouth, thanks for reminding me." Alice rolled her eyes at me as I stressed over my impending date to be up close and personal with the legendary Cullen eggplant.

I'd been dating Edward 'The Eggplant' Cullen for three months, and we'd done plenty of heavy groping and making out fully clothed. I'd humped his elephant trunk to a fantastic orgasm, and he'd wound up with a giant wet spot on his jeans. But we were officially going to do the horizontal tango tonight. I was going to ride the pony… well, maybe not. I was stressed over not having the ability to take that anaconda completely inside my tender pink taco. I'm not a virgin, thanks to my two-pump high school boyfriend, but this was a completely different fantastic beast. Edward had warned me more than once that despite girls thinking his giant cock was the best thing about him, it was actually difficult to have a physical relationship with just anyone. Girls ran screaming after being face to face with the battering ram between his legs. He'd never had a decent blow job, never been balls-deep. The poor bastard.

And, _and,_ he had to order his protection from a company that specialized in giant condoms.

We'd discussed protection thoroughly and decided he could go bareback, considering how long it had been since my last encounter, and that he'd been tested since his last girlfriend. I had to admit to being relieved at not having to deploy a parachute in order to have sex.

"You _have_ to ask his brother out. There's a reason #JCullenEggplant is a thing, baby girl."

"But then I can't complain to you that my boyfriend's monster is too big, because you'll officially know what it feels like to choke on one." She grinned, the obnoxious bitch.

"Wow, Alice. Just wow."

"I'm here for you. Just remember there's no shame in tapping out when he hits your spleen with his ween."

"For fuck's sake," I muttered.

"That's what she said! Call me later, when he's stretched your supermassive black hole until it looks like you're throwing a hotdog down a hallway."

"I hate you!" I replied as she ran off, even though I was laughing.

My cervix ached at the idea of who was coming. Uh, _what_ was coming. Going to happen. _Whatever_.

I let myself into my dorm room, relieved that my roomie wasn't home at the moment. As much as I adored Rosalie, she had zero sympathy for my situation. She was, after all, dating #EmCullenEggplant, whose dick was the size of a fully inflated fire hose. She had only laughed at my trepidation, long and loudly, telling me to bring extra lube and not to be a crybaby. I didn't want to know what kinds of things she and Emmett did on every surface in our dorm room, as long as they cleaned up after themselves.

I showered, scrubbing every inch of my body with a sugar scrub, marvelling at the lack of hair since I'd been forced into a waxing by Alice. I had to admit it was a good idea, but it had hurt like hell and now I constantly felt a draft. I wasn't sure I'd ever do it again, but it would be a nice surprise for our first time. I washed my hair twice, knowing how much Edward loved the smell of my shampoo, and then took great care to dry it with a round brush when I got out. I wanted everything to be perfect for tonight.

I slipped on my dress and at the last minute I decided to go commando, opting only to wear the garter belt and thigh highs I'd picked up at the slutty lingerie store. I skipped my usual lip gloss and just ran some plain chapstick over my lips, thinking that I was clever to have thought of everything. My supremely tall heels came last, and I glanced in the mirror one last time before I left. I looked like me, only well groomed.

I was so nervous.

I reminded myself as I pulled into Edward's complex that he was the same guy he always was. Just because he should be the headliner for Thunder From Down Under didn't mean he'd be anything less than a completely thoughtful, loving companion.

Who the hell was I kidding? I secretly wanted him to throw me on his bed and pound into me without warning. I was just worried that we'd end up calling an ambulance if he did.

When the door opened, I had to brace a hand on the wall and fan myself. My boyfriend is so fucking _hot_. Edward is on the soccer team, the swim team, and runs track. His arms are thick with muscle, his shoulders broad and tapering to a slim waist. I wanted to see the abs, the definition I knew lurked under his polo shirt. His hair was always messy from running his hands into it, bronze and shiny from his mom's side of their family. His green eyes pierced mine, and I wondered if we could skip dinner.

"Bella," Edward greeted me, relief in his voice.

"Were you afraid I wouldn't come?" I asked breathlessly. He stepped aside, holding the door wide, and I went in.

"Sort of," he answered my question. "But no worries, I'm sure you'll come."

"Ha. Ha."

He turned to face me again, and my eyes wandered down to his pants, and the bulge held within. It was outlined as it hardened, taking on a shape reminiscent of a water bottle. I bit my lip, looking up into Edward's face as he watched me openly ogling his dick.

I mean, who wouldn't?

"Ah, dinner first?" I asked.

"Hmm." Edward swaggered toward me, there was really no other word for it, and his head dipped to meet mine as he kissed me. It was long and slow, my knees trying to give out somewhere in the middle of it.

"What was the question?" I squeaked.

"I dunno, but you asked it."

I flushed. "Oh. Right."

"Are you hungry?" Edward murmured near my ear.

"Fuck no." His teeth latched to my earlobe, and I whimpered. With his hands at my waist, I jumped and wrapped my legs around him, laughing when he staggered at my unplanned move.

"Bedroom?" he grunted.

I nodded against him, kissing his jaw and over to his ear. "I want you so much."

"Words I've been longing to hear."

Edward made his way into his bedroom, and I thanked all the gods that Rose convinced Emmett to stay with her in our dorm tonight. I couldn't get sexy with Edward if I knew his brother was in the next room listening.

Edward bumped me into the wall, and I slid my legs down to make a grab for his shirt. I bit my lip when I got a good look at the muscles that defined his abdomen, and especially those that ran in a formation that I liked to think were pointed directly at the goods. I pulled him closer by his waistband, working on the button and zipper while he leaned in again to assault my throat with his full lips. I got my hands wrapped around the finish-line prize and stroked the best I could under his pants. His head dropped back, his throat working as he swallowed convulsively.

When Edward straightened and gave me this _look_ , I knew he had something on his mind. He picked me up by my waist and settled me on his bed, his hands moving up my stocking clad legs. His hands slid up, up, up, dragging my dress to my hips slowly as I squirmed under his lustful gaze. My knees bent of their own accord as his fingertips grazed my garters and then reached the area where my panties should have been.

"Oh, Bella. Such a naughty girl," he crooned in that low voice of his. It did insane things to my insides to hear it, especially combined with the knowledge that my lady-scaping was on display.

I felt Edward's breath on the skin of my inner thighs searing me like a branding iron. My legs twitched, my muscles spasmed, and I thought there was a good possibility I'd come from that contact alone. But when he licked my bare and very sensitive pussy, my body bowed up off his mattress and my heeled feet tried to find purchase on his shoulders. I desperately clutched at the bedspread as his wicked tongue worked me over, crying out and practically launching off the bed when he sucked my clit into his mouth. Jesus, I'd never had sex this hot before and we were just getting started.

I think I screamed, but I was mostly incoherent by then. Edward chuckled, placing small, biting kisses on my thighs before moving up to prop himself on top of me. "Now I know you're a loud one," he told me as he dipped his head to the top of my dress.

I ran my hands over his back, realizing that rather than feeling sated, I felt the need to be _full_. "Edward, please. Take off your pants."

He was off the bed in a flash, his face happy and his grin wide. I sat up and peeled my dress over my head, watching his pupils dilate and the black nearly obscure the green. After flinging it in the corner, I watched as he lowered his waistband an inch at a time. I first caught sight of the top of his briefs, the band embroidered with the name Saxx. He lowered his pants further, and I know my eyes widened at the sight of the bulge he almost revealed. He dropped his pants, and I stared at his underwear; long in the leg, electric blue, and holding the biggest goddamn dick _ever_. The fucking thing had it's own pouch to hold it in place. Maybe he could register it for a zip code.

"Please tell me you're going to take those off now," I said in what I hoped was my sexy voice. On the inside, I was clapping in giddiness.

Edward grinned again. "If you insist."

I watched as the uncertainty settled on his face, and I tried really hard to school my features so that he saw no reaction to the great unveiling. I bit my lip, hard, but I gasped regardless. He pulled his waistband outward first, then dragged it slowly down. Like a happy ass jack-in-the-box, his cock sprung free, and the angels sang hallelujah over our heads.

Without thinking, I moved forward until I was at the edge of the bed on my knees. "Gimme." I held my hands out until he moved closer, and then I grabbed his hips in both hands, running them back to his ass. Holding that giant against my body, I pulled his ass until he was tight between my tits.

"There's no chance on earth I'll ever fit your cock in my mouth, but I can at least give you this."

I wasn't even looking at his face, I was so concentrated on what I was doing. Until he started to moan so damn loud that my eyes traveled upward. I'd never seen anything quite like Edward's face overcome with passion. His neck was taut, his mouth slack. He controlled the push and pull then, and I enjoyed the ride until his head snapped up. He stilled, breathing heavily.

"I have to stop, or I'm going to mess up your beautiful face." He swallowed audibly.

I smiled, pushing myself back on the bed. "Then come and get me."

Edward lined up next to me, kissing my shoulder before I turned to face him. I leaned in and kissed him, a long, slow melding of our mouths and tangle of our tongues. With his hands roaming, he turned the low flame into a conflagration. I pressed him back, sitting up and yanking off my heels, working my garters and stockings off. I swung one leg over his waist and straddled him, thinking I probably needed to be in control from this point on.

Suddenly remembering the advice Rose gave me, I looked down at his hooded eyes and bit my lip again. "Do you have any, uh, any lube?" I squeaked.

Edward laughed, and I swatted his chest. "Yes, there on the bedside table."

I glanced over and found it, sighing a little in relief. At least I didn't have to go streaking through the living room to dig through my purse. The next embarrassing part was having to open it and squeeze some into my palms while Edward watched me. I tossed it on the floor, then took my time finally getting a close and personal look at the sword he was about to impale me with. I ran my hands over the head, spreading the lube down and finally cupping his balls. Edward's jaw clenched, his hips rose off the bed, and he moaned. His hands went to my nipples, and I cried out at the sensations that were building again. Theneed to have him inside me was back, but should I ease onto that monster, or slam that baby home?

"Relax, love, and take your time," Edward reminded me.

Nodding, I leaned over as he continued to play with my boobs, trapping the base of his cock between us. I rocked, the sensations building as he touched me, and I braced my hands on his chest to lift up. I thanked Alice for pushing squats on me at the gym when I had to figure out how the fuck high the head was. Edward's hands moved, gripping my hip bones tightly as I lined up the entrance of my pussy with his monster cock. I huffed out a breath as nothing happened, even when I pressed down. Everything seemed to come to a standstill. Okay, I knew it was there, I could feel the tip nudging at my opening, begging for entrance, weeping for warmth. I glanced down, calculating the amount of possible pain if I rammed myself down on that puppy. Okay, not a puppy, more like a full grown mastiff.

"It's okay, baby. It's okay," his words soothed as his fingers found my clit, working me as I hovered on all fours over him. I kissed him, pushing all thoughts away and just letting the feelings take over. Just as the orgasm rushed into me, Edward grasped his cock in his hands and found my pussy, my muscles loose and still twitching.

My thigh muscles quivered as he pushed up and into me, and I cried out as I took him in. Jesus Christ, was I taking his dick, or birthing a baby? "Wait," I hissed, bracing on his chest again and lowering my head to hide my face behind my hair.

"Are you alright, Bella?" Edward sounded anxious, and it was all I could do to keep from crying. The pain was subsiding, but he wasn't very far in. I could hear the theme song to Mission Impossible playing in my head. I was going to do this if killed me. Not literally of course, I mean, who ever heard of someone dying from being impaled by a massive dick? After all, bones may break and tendons may overstretch; they'll heal... eventually. But I digress.

"I just need a second," I said, not really answering him. I breathed in through my nose, trying to find that calm and loose feeling I had before.

"Are you sure you're okay?" he fretted, his hands stroking my back.

"Well, you haven't hit my uterus yet, so I'd say we're still good to go," I tried to joke.

I watched an unidentifiable look cross his face before he took me by the shoulders and rolled us carefully. Something about being on the bottom, letting him take control, took away a major chunk of my anxiety. Edward leaned in and kissed me, long and slow and hard. I gasped for air as he pulled back, and it was then that I realized he'd pushed farther in.

As I looked between us, I had to stifle a laugh. All of this fuss, and Edward had only gotten about half of his cock inside me. He rocked his hips, and I reached for his ass, only to come up short. Damn, we needed to measure the eggplant when we were done, he could be Guiness Book of Records material. His ass was too far away, so I grabbed his shoulders instead, widening my hips and wrapping my legs around him. I pulled him toward me, little by little, and he set up a rhythm as we worked together. It wasn't so bad anymore, and I realized that my anxiety and thoughts of doing this in a strictly linear fashion had almost fucked this up.

 _News flash, Bella; sex does not happen in a linear fashion._

It's sweaty, and messy, and sometimes your muscles cramp or give out on you.

And yeah, sometimes your boyfriend is hung like a horse and can't get it all the way inside you. Balls to the wall is not likely, but it can still be good. It can be damn good.

"Unh, so fucking good. Goddamn it, Bella!" I loved the way he shouted my name, how his face tightened as he pushed even further into my now pliant body. As he tilted my pelvis up, he suddenly groaned so loudly, and I slipped my hands around to cup his ass, holding his hips tightly to mine as he came. Wait, he fit? My poor pussy had finally stretched wide enough.

"Fuck," he mumbled into my neck, his cock twitching inside me. He collapsed his weight on me for several moments before he rolled off, flopping on the bed next to me. We both tried to catch our breath.

"You realize now that you have to marry me?" His voice was awfully lazy, considering the impact of the words.

"Why's that?" Not that I was against the idea.

Edward moved, propping up on his elbow and staring down at me. "You're the only woman…" He leaned closer, his lips brushing mine. "To _ever_ take the entire length of my cock," he finished in the dead sexiest voice _ever_.

I brought him closer for a kiss, shoving my tongue down his throat in appreciation. "Balls deep, baby," I said, ridiculously proud of myself.

"Mmm," he moaned.

"Well, that means that after we clean up and eat dinner, we're going to have to see just how well I can do blowing that bad boy."

"You're killing me, baby. Killing me."

"At least you'll die happy. What's for dinner, bratwurst?"


End file.
